It feels familiar here. I’m back to the place where I’m so busy distracting myself from what I want to do that I’ve lost sight of my initial goals. I quit my job with the intention of spending those 8 glorious hours painting and building my art business. What have I done instead, you ask?
Oh, I was able to binge watch every (I’m not even kidding) season of Girls on HBO, and when that wasn’t enough, I binge watched every season of Insecure (also an HBO series). After I peeled myself off my couch, I finally decided to clean my house and act domesticated and cook some meals. I certainly haven’t been doing nothing; I feel like I haven’t left the damn kitchen (after the couch). But I didn’t quit my job to become a domestic goddess.
What I’m not doing in this precious time is investing in myself. I haven’t (truly) asked myself what this resistance is, but it’s making me feel as if I’m chained to my subconscious beliefs. Even when I try to kick myself into shape, I just resist with even more procrastination. I am truly appalled by how hard I worked to free up this space and here I am just mindlessly laying on the couch. I wasn’t this irresponsible with my time when I had to make time to paint and build a side hustle. It’s safe to say that I was investing more time into it when I had a full-time job. I’m pretty sure this has something to do with discipline... and somehow I’m losing sight of that shit like my keys every morning.
Let’s cut to the chase, because all that chatter before was just another way to procrastinate. It was a way to distract you (and me) from this: I admit that I was premature when it came to telling the world about my plans. (I didn’t actually have a plan.)
I’m not going back to school.
There it is. I’m not going. It’s too fucking expensive and honestly, I already have a mortgage payment worth of student loans, and I’d rack up close to $200,000 total after graduating. That’s more in student loans than I pay for my house. I cannot do that. And after I graduate, then what? Do what I want to do now but more frantically because I have to figure out a way to pay off my student loans? Which is literally what I’m currently doing.
But going back to school for painting, for me, doesn’t makes sense based on my future career intentions. Not that I have to explain myself to anyone, but I really want to be transparent in my intentions, for myself. This little corner of the internet is where I express that because I know there may be someone out there struggling to pay student loans thinking that they should or have to have more to get further, but I’m here to tell you, you don’t.
I’m not going to lie, I’m a little bummed, but I’d be more upset with myself in 3.5 years after I’ve put myself in a situation I’m not sure I can manage. Shit, I can barely manage the loans I have now. Not to mention the hell I had to endure to get my payments to where I can afford them now. I don’t like to rehash nightmares. Not the energy I want to manifest in my life.
So, with that, I am so deeply grateful for all of you out there, near and far, who support me with loving words and so much excitement. I am still following my heart, just with slightly different plans. This time, I will wait to share until I’ve figured them out.
In the meantime, I’ll be getting to work. I’ve grounded myself from TV for life (winky face) and I’m excited you all continue to follow me on my journey. Because I’m still out here, hustlin’. I’ll see you around!