As disappointing as this is going to sound, I don’t have a solid answer for you. And you shouldn’t trust others with that much of your divine path, either. For me, I think that following my heart is just that, listening to myself before anyone else. Trusting that what pulls me away from what is “socially acceptable” (smart, safe, what I’m supposed to do, easy, part of life, being an adult) will undeniably be where I will thrive and feel the most alive. When I say alive, I don’t mean, "I feel alive so I can do whatever I want." When you feel alive, it’s not only the easy parts. It’s the gritty, shitty and throw a fitty part. It’s the scared shitless, what the actual fuck am I doing, I’m kind of scared parts.
It’s the I quit my job (for real) part. Me, Lacy, I seriously quit my job. As insane as this sounds, I have never felt so free and scared shitless in my entire life. I didn’t just do this out of nowhere, even though most of the people in my life would tell me it feels that way to them. I’ve been wrestling with this since January. I couldn’t take another day sitting at my desk, wondering how fast my day was going to go so I could get home and paint. What I actually want to be doing.
I started wondering, when will I ever start my life? I am super grateful for this job; it has taught me a lot of technicalities that I will undoubtedly bring into my own business. I met some of my best friends, connected with super talented people and have been given the chance to daydream about this very moment. To finally start my divine journey. To submit to the lull inside my chest. To finally pull that inner voice forward and command, “Show me the way.”
It was simply building up the courage to step outside my own fears, doubts, insecurities and anxiety. I’ve always planned my life with practicality front and center, and yes, there is a place for this because I still have to pay my bills. But why not me? Why can’t I take the leap and be a fulltime student and artist? Why is it unrealistic for me to actually live the life I imagine? Isn’t that where all the successful businesses in the world started? With an idea, a dream? I can live that life; the life I feel like “only those people out there can live.” It only makes sense to put myself “out there” to get “there.”
Even though I’m just starting this solo journey, everything that has led me here is integrating and revealing of what I’m made up of. A lot of heart and a spirit that seriously doesn’t give up on getting me outside. Getting outside my comfort zone, outside of my head, outside of my own belief systems that have kept me distracted my entire life. So following my heart means following my curiosity and actually questioning what I’m doing in my life. Elizabeth Gilbert goes into detail about this in her magnificent talk on “The Hummingbird Life” for Oprah’s SuperSoul Sessions. I’d advise you to take the time to watch the entire thing, but here’s a clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_PSUskgiZU.
The questions I’ve been asking myself are pretty big. Does this make me feel alive? Is this connected, in any way, to where I want to go? What the hell am I doing? That last one is what truly got me going. Most of the time I’m going through life distracting myself from what I truly want to do with the illusion of what I think or have been taught I have to do. I do this rather than taking the time to truly feel life for what it is within myself. But now I have decided to listen and follow through, even if the world around me thinks that I’m batshit crazy. Especially if the world around me thinks I’m batshit crazy.
It’s so true and so real that you live this one life as the being you are now, once. Sometimes it’s hard to hear the truth when you take the time and ask yourself these questions because the truth is hard. It paves a path of the unknown, and all we have with which to follow it is blind faith and a lot of hard work. Think about how you feel before you leave on a vacation. You’re excited for this adventure; you have so many explorations planned, places to eat and a schedule that allows you to let go and live a little.
We are all on vacation. We booked this ticket to earth, with a short time in our meat suits to grow, to evolve, to have fun and fulfill our mission. We spend so much time confined in the things we were taught. The ideas we deem true are because others tell us they’re true. There is no growth in fear. Challenge your beliefs, the rules and the way it all “works.” Challenge yourself to listen to what is pulling you. Take steps each day to get there.
I have been accepted into The Lyme Academy College of Fine Arts where I will receive my BFA in painting. I have plans to continue on after for my MFA. I’m 31 years old. If there’s anything I’ve gathered through my life experience it’s this:
It is ALWAYS time to take that risk.